Walking into the Reverend Canon Elizabeth Randall's office I confided, "I am still searching for a teacher." She just sat there and nodded with an impassive expression concealing her empathy and waited. Many times had she heard this from me, but this time I was hoping she might relent and take me on as a spiritual advisee. To break the awkward silence I continued, "Of course, Jesus is my teacher," and with a nod of her discerning head I immediately knew I had lost my case.
For many years I sensed that a wise mentor was necessary to guide my spiritual journey. From devoted monks and nuns, to countless spiritual directors and confessors; from friends inclined in similar pursuits to professional counselors and respected authors, I have searched for the acute wisdom to understand the mystery: What does it means to live a human life? I am intrigued and consumed by this question. If I am not searching through tantalizing theology or pouring over logical philosophical arguments then I fear my questions will remain unanswered. To this day I have yet to find that esoteric messenger with all the answers.
Judas, one of the twelve, was confident he found his exalted teacher. But it is said that if one attains the Tao, it is not the Tao. So when things weren't turning out the way he expected, he did what he had to do. Though we vilify him as the one who set the wheels in motion by betraying his close friend culminating in the Christ's untimely death, Jesus himself understood that it was necessary. We think that without the treacherous kiss, he might have lived another 40 years, teaching his unskilled disciples just as the Buddha did after his enlightenment. But no, the master was convinced his hour had come and he was willing, if not prepared, to die. Occasionally we pardon Judas' behavior saying that someone had to do it. If it wasn't him, then surely another would have to. He became the scapegoat so the "Scriptures could be fulfilled." But perhaps the fratricide wasn't a case of predetermined lore to verify a Messianic heritage; instead the perfidy may have been exactly what needed to be done.
In Buddhist tradition, the ninth century Zen master Lin Chi is regarded as saying, "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him." This profound koan stipulates that when the object of religious faith - or anything we accept as valuable for that matter - becomes ensnared as a representative icon, then it may become necessary to disassociate the object from reality. We must let go of our trust in these elevated goods as the means to truth. Whatever we conceive as the Buddha, or the Christ, is mistaken. If the teacher is found outside oneself, as the parable implies, then we must kill our grasping instinct for facile salvation. The Buddha can only be found within. In this way, could it be that the action of Judas was right?
When I was twelve my formative adolescent faith was rocked off its foundation while discussing the escalating Vietnam War in eighth grade Social Studies class, Basing my argument on the values learned from my liberal Democratic parents, I was convinced that there was no "just" war. My adversaries questioned my convictions with all manner of ethical implausibilities. Yet when they asked if I had known anyone personally killed in the conflict, they struck an emotional conundrum. Since I did not, nor did I know how to verbalize the underlying morality issue, my parental confidence was betrayed. What I believed to be concretely true was now open to debate. Doubt invaded the certitude I held in my parent's teaching and I became disillusioned. Never again would I trust so implicitly now that my idols were crushed.
I shall never condone violence and it is morally wrong and abhorrent to kill at any time. But our erroneous efforts to follow that which can not deliver must always be figuratively sacrificed. Judas had to kill his reliance on the cherished beliefs of an exterior god, as well as his interior ego, so that what remained would be his life-changing truth. Our golden heart can only awaken when we let go of all that is not oneself. We cannot live if we try to live another's life. The Buddha, the Christ, the god you seek is not to found, it can not be taught, nor can it be achieved, because it is already within you. You are what you seek.
love, always,
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