voices inside my head

The hall was crowded and hot. I could see, but only minimally, through the maze of swaying heads bobbing and circling ahead of me. The music was raucously loud and I was loving every extemporaneous minute of it. We were four exuberant veterans of the jamband scene paying homage to one of our heroes and all I could do was smile - smile and dance to the familiar songs with new arrangements and well-crafted improvisation, thus making them seem like we were hearing them for the first time.

During the intermission we initiated a critique of the first set's performance, yet standing shoulder to shoulder, it was difficult to carry on an inclusive conversation through the competing clatter and surrounding din. Poised on the extreme right, I could hear Oppy clearly, for he was my neighbor; less so for Cathy who was adjacent on the other side; and for Lorraine, who was on the extreme left, I could see only lips moving with an occasional nod of the head. I tried to remain involved, but when the exchange was focused beyond my hearing, I was quickly isolated.

I became engulfed with the introspective thoughts racing through my charged brain. Revelatory clarity denuded my secure sense of self as if I was seeing afresh after an extended obliviousness. Insight enlightened me to how things really are and bid me to action. Could this be god speaking great wisdom to me, I wondered, or is this a psychotic inner auditory hallucination? Is this anything at all like the transfiguration we heard about this morning wherein Peter, James and John are radically changed by the presence of a divine voice and a brilliant vision?

I wish it were. But condemnation, vile, and wickedness was my partner in self assassination and not the healing grace of love. Although what I heard may have been based in objective truth, it was full of subjective reproach. The inner voice of strength, on the other hand, is a path full of potential derived from the heart. It removes the limits imposed by temporal voices that shout, "You can't do that," "You're no good," and "Who do you think you are."  We can only hear the true voice of power when we are attuned beyond the worldly surface of self concern and open in grateful awareness to a wider perspective.

So, how do we discern if our inner voice is a blessing or a curse? In The Teachings of Don Juan, Carlos Castenada  reveals: "Look at every path closely and deliberately. ... Does this path have heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you."

Obviously, mine was a path of denigrating fear that led down a crevasse of disdainful misery amid other-worldly music. Conversely, Jesus and his three cohorts took the good path up the mountain - to be in communion with the sound of sheer silence - and they found it led nowhere except exactly where they were. Not all inner voices sound the same, but if you quiet the mind and really listen, you might hear things you never imagined.