three times

Everyone is searching for happiness. Yet happiness is fickle and elusive. It seems to be affected by just about everything. Things out of our control, from the weather to the news, cause anger, anxiety, and frustration to arise. Yet even things in our immediate domain, such as how much sleep we get or our overloaded holiday schedules, inflict undue clutter and stress. Theophane, a Trappist monk, used to tell me that all people are deluded. The burglar steals because he thinks it will bring him happiness. He is unaware of his own pain and incivility. Perceiving that fulfilling our individual wants and desires will bring a permanent state of ease and gratification, it is in effect, the true cause of our suffering.

So it was with alcohol. Three times in my life have I imbibed too much in the search for happiness. The first was in college when my friend Gene and I thought it might be fun to experiment with rum and coke. Both inexperienced drinkers, the result was disastrous. To this day, the smell of rum, even in cooking, makes me nauseous. The second time I had just been fired from a job and overdid my consolation in beer. Consequently, I have lost much taste for it as well. And finally, about nine years ago, while working at the Fillmore Auditorium, a friend coerced me with one too many. By then, two vodka and cranberry's had me staggering, so I made a vow that I would not drink in excess ever again. In fact, it is an extremely rare occasion that you would find me with a drink in hand at all.

It wasn't hard to do. I didn't find alcohol attractive, the taste was mostly unappealing, and the deleterious effects outweighed any pleasure I received. Unfortunately, it's not so easy for many people, but there is a point where we have to repent of our ways and change our behavior. Not just in drinking, but in anything unhealthy that we think will bring us satisfaction. And this is what John the Baptist is calling us to do: Out of the wilderness of unmindfulness, recognize your unskillful actions and resolve never to repeat them. Make yourself clean, he proclaims, by returning to righteousness and resisting evil.

In the same way, Toni Morrison in her classic novel "Beloved," has "Baby Suggs, holy, offer[ing] up her great big heart. She did not tell them to clean up their lives or to go and sin no more....She told them that the only grace they could have was the grace they could imagine. That if they could not see it, they would not have it." If we are unaware of our circumstances we shall continue to live in ignorance. Through right living, unwise choices originating from delusion, aversion, and attachment, can purify our soul. Three times I had hoped that drinking would be enjoyable, might drown my regret and sorrow, and perhaps, gain me a new companion. None of these came to be and ultimately changed my mind about what was good. A continual returning to the divine indwelling may be the only real source of happiness.

love, always,

pia