bring in the clowns

When I was young I must have had a fear of going to sleep. Nightly, I would plead to my mother to "sit with me a little bit" until I nodded off into dreamland. I did this not to coax a favorite bedtime story - though a few pages of "Where the Wild Things Are" or "Charlotte's Web" were never discouraged - but to assuage the subliminal terror of being alone. Like the deranged zebra in Garth Stein's novel, "The Art of Racing in the Rain," who torments Enzo's sleep, I was occasionally terrified by a crazed jack-in-the-box that watched me from a shelf in my room. Even so, I wasn't consciously afraid of this, or similar monsters under the bed, or recurring nightmares of a giant moon perched outside my window, I simply wanted the surety that someone would always be there to protect me.

Seems like an ideal job for an omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient god. However, as a child the idea of an invisible phantom being a comforting ally was the furthest thing considered. The impossible deity was unfortunately more like that jack-in-the-box than the familial intimacy of my parents. Sharing the disagreeable traits of my foe; god was a cold, ever-watchful, and sneering clown, all the while taking sordid notes of all my daily misdeeds. He (for it was a "he" in those days) wasn't one to be trusted as he was poised to pounce on my defenseless soul. And in the rare instances when I did call (to god, not his evil twin), there was little account of his existence. I can't remember one time where he helped me with my homework or subdued that boxed devil. I was alone with my demon and it was no wonder I entreated my parents to quell the night.

Despite my misgivings, however, I didn't give up on god. But as much as I tried, he didn't make sense. So it's not surprising that I've resonated with today's difficult gospel passage for many years. In response to a pharisaical test, Jesus poses the rabbinical riddle: "If (King) David calls him (the Messiah) Lord, how can he be his son?" It's a mobius strip argument that has no satisfactory answer. The religious elite, like a computer in an endless loop, shut down and leave the Christ in his glory. It's no help and much like the Buddhist conception of Samsara - an endless cycle of suffering.

Curiously, this same eternal knot is also a symbol of unity. It is an intertwining of all that is: the good, daytime jester coequal to the bad, dark, and lurking spirit. Like an M. C. Escher drawing where each image is dependent upon the other, Jesus continues to emphasize the inseparability of religious life and secular activities. Last week he visioned a coin as his tool, today the ungainly father is son is father enigma. He tells us not to fear because we are never alone. The answer to life's puzzle is the interconnectedness of all beings protected by the unending love of god. And that's all we need for a good nights rest.

love, always,

pia