the ravaging within

A howling wind braced through the shadowed skies as the first drops of a heavy rain splattered against my exposed flesh. I shivered in anticipation. A gloaming chasm of fear enveloped me, so I retreated inward to a presumed safe haven. There, in my sheltered anomaly, the buffeting storm raged in even greater intensity. And although there was nothing overtly terrifying, nothing except my own perverse and convoluted thoughts, a deep sense of dread soon paralyzed my being. The enemy, it seemed, was not the gale beyond but that which ravaged within. When the edgy chaos would not abate and feeling drawn to a past interior darkness long thought quit, I called for help.

That surprised me. Being self-assured and of independent mind, I arrogantly employ a DIY approach which has taken me on three disparate routes: One fully absorbed in the trappings of the misguided mind, thus directly combatting heresy with apostasy; another denying the serious nature of the threat, thereby procrastinating the eventuality of conflict; and the third, wholly refusing to engage in combat with the would-be character assassin. Despite an abundance of aggressive therapy and alternatively dismissive behavior, victory is often claimed in detached nonviolence.

I hear this in today's gospel as well when Jesus says, "If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained." Usually this passage is perceived about the behavior of others, but this morning it reflected most ardently upon my own state of mind. If you let go of the sins, the grudges, and the maladies of any - most importantly, those committed by ourselves against ourselves - they are forgiven. When we are contentious, fighting with guilt, self-condemnation, and convictions far damaging, we divide against our divine nature, and defeat all that is good. This is not license to evil, accepting our actions in laissez-faire complacency, on the contrary, this is a call to awareness of all that is true. Only then one is freed from worldly convention, our potentiality fulfilled, and we can be in the spirit. Only then one becomes whole.

Yet I was far from complete after receiving a dismissive email yesterday. "How could the new head of the organization fail to recognize my efforts and attribute them to another with no authority," I silently railed with exacting ire. I was effectively and contemptuously fired from my position without regard, without reason, and obviously without understanding. I have been fired before, but never by email and never in such a presumptuous manner. All sorts of excuses travailed my brain in explanation. Should I reply and defend myself, I contested, must I set the record straight as I began to compose my reply. Eventually, I laid my pen to rest to allay not just my beleaguered pride, but the situation as well. It was simply a misunderstanding and no malicious intent was implied. However my aggrieved ego contorted afflicted thoughts that harangued my susceptible being. When distanced from the ravaging within, all that remained was the clarity of peace. Then I could rejoice when I perceived the lord. "Jesus came and stood among [us] and said, 'Peace be with you'," suddenly I knew my fears were self-inflicted.

love, always,
pia